Amazing Grace

"We cannot transform our lives, unless we allow them to be transformed by that stroke of grace ... Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when we feel that our separation is deeper than usual ... It strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction and composure have become intolerable to us. It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted!" If that happens to us, we experience grace. After such an experience we may not be better than before, and we may not believe more than before. But everything is transformed ... And nothing is demanded of this experience, no religious or moral or intellectual presupposition, nothing but acceptance."

Paul Tillich, The Shaking of the Foundations, 1955

I felt awe and connection on the day that I saw the sun flash its bright light through the clouds and snapped the picture above. But that wasn't grace. Amazing grace is something more, something that John Newton felt in his darkest hour, when he turned away from the slave trade.

For the Christian, grace saves, inspires faith, brings transformation and renewal. It absolves the sinner of original sin and turns him to do good. Grace is God's love and desire to be in communion with his creation.

I've nearly lost my life, I've nearly taken my life, and I've known grace. Because of these things piled atop a fundamental Christian upbringing, I push the envelop. What is God? Why God? Paul Tillich takes the next step: it just is. That's good enough for me. You can download the podcast of Rev. Jennifer Ryu's sermon from the Williamsburg Unitarian Universalists' website, if you'd like. As a writer, though, I was compelled to take notes as I listened, and have transcribed and transformed a few of them here. They rang true for me and I saw myself moving toward transformation.

The liberal religious view is that grace is also a gift and we need it even if we don't believe in original sin or the traditional view of a God who pulls the strings. We need grace because sometimes we do take turns that move us away from "God," creation, the essential nature, core goodness. And we aren't saved by luck or the serendipity of looking up at sunbeams piercing clouds. Grace gets mushed up with providence, good fortune, and karma, but it is something more.

Paul Tillich wrote about a philosophy of grace. Grace is a gift of renewal and transformation that only comes when we are in pain and there is a turn that needs to be made. For me, grace came in 2004 when I was disgusted with myself, had lost direction and composure. It was intolerable and I was clinically depressed. (The bold emphasis in the quote above is mine.)

I'm not worried about eternal damnation, but it doesn't mean I didn't need grace. Grace came to me back then when I needed it most. It was unbidden and, although it is a work in progress, my life is transformed. Grace has transformed me as I have learned more about the essential nature through experiences with creation. I have turned from a life that was more focused on material things to a realization that one is more likely to find the meaning of life when digging in the dirt than when digging through a sale rack. In my darkest hour, the transformation began. My cup is slowly being filled and I am free.

I am loved, I am accepted, I belong to this earth. On this windy day, I put up my sails and move forward. I will help an autistic child, I will plant more ferns, I will harvest tomatoes. I will work on college applications again as I retool myself to move in the direction I had intended when I first thought about college nearly 40 years ago.

Grace is the unexpected transformation. May it be so.